XXOO

I dreamt about Mom two nights ago.  I already don't remember the details.  I just remember seeing her and talking to her and hugging her.  I woke up and tried to go back to sleep so that I could see her again but it didn't work.  I haven't dreamt about her in so long so this hit me like a rock.  I couldn't shake it.  Yesterday, I found myself choking back tears constantly.  I'm feeling better today but I really haven't felt this sad in a while.  One way I deal with my emotions is by forcing myself to think of something else, just like Scarlett O'Hara (one of mom and I's favorite characters) would say "I can't think about that now.  I'll think about it tomorrow."  But I'm really struggling this time.  I'm sure it's the anxiety about next week which will be one year since we lost her. 

I think another way that I manage my grief is that I subconsciously pretend that I just haven't spoken to her in a while.  This was not unusual.  We didn't talk on the phone every day because we always lived far apart and the time difference always made it hard to catch each other.  I usually only saw her a few times a year.  They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and the embrace that we would share when we saw each other again was proof of this.  She would always give me the biggest hug and kiss and I don't care what age you are, nothing feels warmer than a hug from your mom.  I often think of her in airports and remember the feeling of seeing her for the first time in a while and walking into one of her big hugs.  I really miss those hugs.  My dream made me miss her that much more because I woke up wanting the real thing, the feel of her hug and a kiss on my cheek.

Mother's Day is around the corner.  Last Mother's Day was the last time I spoke to her on the phone.  Mother's Day advertisements are all over the place and each one is like a smack in the face.  It's a constant reminder that I don't get to tell her how much I love her.  Be sure to use every opportunity to tell your loved ones how much you love them.   It's not about the tangible gifts.  It's about the sincerity of telling someone that you love and care about them with words or a simple gesture like a hug and a kiss. 

XXOO



My sister Lauren, Mom and I



Mom, Lauren and I